I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
