Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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