first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
