Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
