yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
