I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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