I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
this will be a night to untag.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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