Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
