I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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