I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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