i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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