It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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