So gin and wine won't be happening again
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
