its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They took my balls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
