look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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