apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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