I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
