god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
