Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
