i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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