Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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