Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
