I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
