you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
