I can't breathe out the right side of my face
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
