Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
