that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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