my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
