I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've blown a few things in my day
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
