don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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