I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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