I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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