no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
