I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
