Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
