You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
