the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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