I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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