He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I checked into jail on foursquare
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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