I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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