I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's blow job season.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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