It's like God shit irony all over that family
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
