I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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