I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
