why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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