I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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