You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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