she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
