After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
this hospital has no fireball
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
