also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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