My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
