We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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