dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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