I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
