shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
