im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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