In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
