you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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