Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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