i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
