Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
